A Bittersweet Nostalgic Moment

Nostalgia is an interesting feeling and concept. It involves a feeling of longing for past moments or memories. Feeling nostalgic can be bitter and sweet, thus bittersweet. Bitter because it makes us miss these past moments and wish we were able to relive them. Sweet because these nostalgic moments we have can feel like home with warmth, love, and affection.

What was the nostalgic moment?

On December 4th, 2020, I had a serious moment of nostalgia. Allyson, Audriana and I were in the living room at mom’s house all sitting on our phones and talking. All of a sudden, Tinley (my niece, Allyson’s daughter) comes running up to Allyson, BEGGING her to let her stay at grandmas. “Mommy can I please stay at grandmas tonight? Can I please have a sleepover here?!” she exclaimed so excitedly (though she wasn’t as excited during her sobbing breakdown missing her mommy after she left). Allyson told her she had to ask grandma and if we all know grandma Juliana, she cannot say no to her grandkids. I don’t think she actually has that word in her vocabulary when it comes to these kids. My grandma didn’t either.

As Tinley asked grandma and grandma said yes, Clayton (my nephew, Audriana’s son) began begging Audriana to stay at grandmas too. “Mommy I wanna sleep at grandma’s too! I wanna stay with Tinley!” He then had to ask grandma like Tinley did, and *shockingly* grandma said yes. These two were overjoyed and excited to play legos together and have a sleepover. Sweet cousin love that is more like sibling love (sweet and sour, like sour patch kids!).

Where did it take me?

Watching this all take place in such a small, simple moment took me back to my days of BEGGING to stay at grandma and papa’s with my boy cousins. Watching these two interact in this moment with their excitement and innocence reminded me of how significant and blissful these small moments are. The nostalgic feeling in the moment was one of warmth, feeling like I was back at grandma and papa’s sleeping over with my boy cousins, especially Brady who is closer in age to me than the rest.

I was reminded of our Disney movie and TV show marathons, running around the house causing trouble and making messes, one of us laying next to papa as the other sat in the recliner eating popcorn or peanuts that always sat on papa’s bedside table, getting muddy to the point papa made us rinse off with the cold water from the hose outside, and so much more.

These moments are moments we will never get back. These moments are now memories. While it was bittersweet having these flashbacks and memories flood my heart, it was such a good feeling to remember these and also see these same moments being made by the kids I get to watch grow up and someday, have that same nostalgic feeling I did in that very moment of simply sleeping over at grandma’s house.

The date my papa was called home.

12/18/2013. Today. 12/18/2020 marks 7 years without my papa. He was my second father. One of my ‘main men’. The person I asked and prayed to along with God to bring me a good, sincere, loving man after a terrible, manipulative, toxic relationship…and then I met Austin. There is not a day that goes by I do not think about him or miss him.

What I can do is have these moments of nostalgia and all of the memories to remember and relive in his memory. I love you papa and hope you’re saying cheers with your Bud Light lime in Heaven.

XOXO, Kaitlyn

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